What My Dog Taught Me

July 8th appeared all too normal when my mom sent me a text early in the morning.

Hey Garrett–

My mind raced when I read that text. I got nervous. I knew it meant something, but I never imagined it would be what it actually was.

I thought she was going to tell me Dad was driving her crazy on their New York City trip, which is still probably somewhat accurate.

I thought she was going to call me out on using her debit card to buy cute underwear a few months ago (Thanks Mom, the boys love ‘em).

I thought she was going to tell me something I could handle easily and talk my way out of.

Instead I had no words.

    “Annie died,” her voice whispered on the phone.


Nothing was coming out of my mouth. After what felt like 16 years passed, without my acknowledgement of what she said, my mom kept asking me “Garrett?…..Garrett?”

I hung up the phone, ran to my car, and cried.

I grew up with that dog, and she grew up with me.

So I decided to commemorate her life by sharing what she taught me.

I introduce to you,  “Annie Logic 101: A List of Things My Dog Taught Me.”

  • Productivity is for losers. Yes, it’s true. My girl definitely wasn’t the “go and get ‘em” type, but she taught me the value in sleep.

“Wait it’s Tuesday? How long have I been sleeping for?”

  • If you don’t like someone you live with, be as passive aggressive as possible and shut that bitch up. My sister has a dog, Bentley, who innacurately thinks he runs the house. Annie had to show him who was queen of the Lee’s. She taught me to start with some accusatory glances, eye rolls, and if they don’t get it, just ignore them. Don’t give attention whores the time of day.
Screen Shot 2015-07-08 at 7.20.11 PM

“Stay on your side, peasant.”

  • If you’re really a Boss, people will take time out of their day for YOU. That’s right, you don’t even have to feed yourself. Just a couple of hard tail wags, paws on the back door, and maybe a half bark and a spin–and the food is all yours. Service at your fingertips….I mean paws. You get the point.
What are you looking at? Go get me my bone.

What are you looking at? Go get me my bone.

  • Think you found a possible best friend? Have you sniffed their ass yet?  No? Well you better go do it. Apparently an ass sniff is equivalent of making sure the people you associate with are the right people for you, and haven’t gotten into some “shit,” if you catch my drift.
  • Never ask, just do. Just do it man. You want that loaf of bread all to yourself? Fucking do it. You want to eat the plastic wrap it comes in, too? DO IT. #NoRagrets
  • Don’t care what people think of you. Even if you’re slightly (definitely, most definitely) overweight, maybe you stink a little sometimes, or enjoy carrying dead lizards in your mouth, you’re still one sexy beast. At the end of the day, those who stick around you and your antics are the ones that matter.
Screen Shot 2015-07-08 at 7.25.50 PM

“Does it look like I care?”

  • If it’s your house, you’re welcome to do whatever the fuck you want. You wanna fart while your family is on the couch next to you? Whatevs. You feel like peeing on your brother’s carpet while he’s watching you squat? Who cares. You wanna poke your nose through a crack in the door and spy on what everyone’s doing? Have it at. Your house, your rules.

“Gotta keep my pimp hand strong, brotha.”

  • Being a Princess will get you everywhere. People will wash you, feed you, paint your nails, let you outside to pee, and they expect nothing in return except for wet kisses and cuddles. What a bitchin’ life.
Screen Shot 2015-07-08 at 7.19.50 PM

“My nails are pink. Get over it. Hair flip.”

  • Never forget where you came from and never run away from home. Like actually don’t. Because you might think you want to open the back gate and run out to the major street down the block…but like, learn to read your collar or figure out Mapquest. Sniff your way home if you must. There’s people back there who want to keep you safe.
Screen Shot 2015-07-08 at 7.28.00 PM

“I’m staring directly at the camera so I don’t have to look at these two.”

  • And finally, find yourself a best friend. Find someone who will love you, cuddle you, take care of you, and everything in between. Find someone who you can wake up next to, get the “eye crusties” out of when they’re tired, lay in the shade with, and someone who will accept your wet kisses.


Sweet Annie, you’re my bestfriend. Thank you for breathing life into our house when we needed it.

Screen Shot 2015-07-08 at 7.29.49 PM

Doggy Heaven gained a pretty damn good one today. I love you.

–Your bro

One comment

  1. Debbi · July 9, 2015

    omg Garrett, so sweet, so very very sweet…..If Annie could read she would love it


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